RELATIONSHIP TIPS
THE RUBBER BAND SYNDROME: UNDERSTANDING THE MALE INTIMACY CYCLE IN A RELATIONSHIP
I used to have this worries in my relationship. I would wonder why my Bobo would not want to talk to me. I would offer unsolicited advice of how I think he should handle his emotions. Sometimes, I would try my possible best to shorten the time he spent in his cave. Other times, I would try to make him feel guilty for going away.
But immediately I stopped interpreting his silence, and stopped becoming insecure.
I soon came to understand that men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back.
A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. Most women are surprised to realize that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.
Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle. Women misinterpret a man's pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different reasons. She pulls back when she doesn't trust him to understand her feelings, when she has been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her.
Certainly a man may pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if she has done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her; and then suddenly he begins to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own. A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically he will he more motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs.
When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesn't feel any need for a period of getting reacquainted again.
If understood, this male intimacy cycle enriches a relationship, but because it is misunderstood it creates unnecessary problems.
If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous intimacy or "run after" their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost always be trying to escape and distance himself; he will never get a chance to feel his own passionate longing for love.
Men begin to feel their need for autonomy and independence after they have fulfilled their need for intimacy. Automatically when he begins to pull away, she begins to panic. What she doesn't realize is that when he pulls away and fulfills his need for autonomy then suddenly he will want to be intimate again. A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.
This rubber band analogy explains how a man may care very much about his partner but suddenly pull away. When he pulls away it is not because he does not want to talk. Instead, he needs some time alone; time to be with himself when he is not responsible for anyone else. It is a time for him to take care of himself. When he returns then he is available to talk.
To a certain extent, a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her needs, problems, wants, and emotions he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling away allows him to re-establish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feet autonomous.
Some men, however, may describe this pulling away differently. To them it is just a feeling of "I need some space" or "I need to be alone." Regardless of how it is described, when a man pulls away, he is fulfilling a valid need to take care of himself for a while.
Just as we do not decide to be hungry, a man does not decide to pull away. It is an instinctual urge. He can only get so close, and then he begins to lose himself. At this point he begins to feel his need for autonomy and begins to pull away. By understanding this process, women can begin correctly to interpret this pulling away.
Here's what you should do.
1. Don't disapprove of his need for withdrawing.
2. Don't try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.
3. Don't try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.
4. Don't sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out.
5. Don't worry about him or feel sorry for him.
6. Do something that makes you happy. Read a book, call your girlfriend for a good chat, listen to music, write in your journal, go shopping or watch a movie, exercise , pray or meditate, go for a walk , have something delicious to eat, read a book, watch TV or go see a friend.
If you need to "talk," write him a letter to be read later
By: Omobolanle Adeyemo
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