Children are beautiful gifts from God. Parents get to be caretakers for a season and release them into the world to fulfill their purpose and various life assignments.
They are however not painkillers, palliatives or consolation prizes. Statements like ‘My children are all I have’, ‘I’m living for my kids’, ‘My children are my life/world’ can sound socially correct but are actually very dangerous.
To the married people one of the biggest signs of an ailing marriage is unhealthy attachment to children. Underage children are not supposed to be your best friends, soulmates, confidants etc. If there are issues in your marriage please make working on your marriage a priority. Don’t put your marriage on hold to raise children or you’ll end up one day with an empty house and an empty marriage.
Now to the reason- Children will grow up and they will leave. They must leave or they will be perpetual liabilities. They’re not meant to hang on to your coattails forever. You are caretakers for a season.
The reason people focus on kids so much when other areas seem to be failing is because of control. Their children are the one place they believe they have control. But that won’t last forever. One day your rules will turn to suggestions and if you don’t know your role you will start throwing adult sized tantrums.
Here’s my counsel to you- make living for your own purpose a priority. Don’t put your life and marriage on the back burner. Even if you’re raising kids as a single parent, find outlets of carrying out your own life’s assignments.
If you keep holding on to children tenaciously, you will eventually lose that control. When you do, you’ll metamorphose into
- The nagging mom
- The nosy in-law
- The irritating grandma/grandpa
- The parent without boundaries
- The one your kids try to avoid
- The emotionally blackmailing parent (aka after all I suffered for you)
Many movies portray an evil mother in law and many ladies think that can never be them. It can, this is the path that leads to ‘nollywood type’ in laws. Harassing and stressing adult children is the symbol of a parent grasping for lost control. He/she wants the same control on their adult child they had when that child was 6 or 3 years old. That ship has sailed and it is never coming back to the harbor.
You can become a thorn in your children’s lives. When you see a grandparent or parent in law intruding into their children’s lives it’s doesn’t necessarily mean they’re bad people. They’re just struggling for control. They want the same control over a 30 year old they had when he/she was 3 years old.
Their children have been the one thing they could control and when that control lost so are they. When you hear emotional blackmail and manipulation it’s the cry of a parent grasping for control at any cost. It’s a parent who has neglected to live their own live.
Love your children but don’t live for them. Build your own life and live to the fullest. My widowed, 70+ year old mum is living proof of this. Her life is so full of beauty and purpose she doesn’t try to control her adult children’s lives. My brother teases her that her phone rings more frequently than the governor’s. Trying to get her to your house is a tall order, the woman is living her life. She chose to raise, nurture and love her children but live for God.
If my post offends you know that I still love you. Offense is to be expected because I’ve attacked age-old generational conditioning and strong holds.
It’s my desire to see you live free and boldly.
#Chiakasmusings
CC- Chiaka Ogechi
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